Confused Orioles Fan Climbs Sculpture at #Occupy Wall Street

Deranged protestor Dylan Spoelstra, a 20-something from Canada, donned his Baltimore Orioles #32 Matt Wieters jersey, joined the New York City Occupy Wall Street protest, peed on a wall (allegedly), received a summons (allegedly), then climbed a sculpture in Zucotti Park in protest. A giant moon bounce was placed under him, and after some hugging, friendly head-butting and other drama Dylan was carted off to the loony bin at Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

Our new hero.

Orioles catcher Matt Wieters. He’s cool because he has a cat. And he wears a badass outfit!

Mark di Suvero's Joie de Vivre sculpture. Photo by WTM by official-ly cool,

Visualize this sculpture as a man reaching his arms out to the sky. Dylan basically made it to this man’s crotch.

In better economic times this would have run as a wacky “goof on the roof” news story.

“I’ve been with you such a long time

You’re my sunshine
And I want you to know

That my feelings are true
I really love you… You’re my best friend”

Although the news was technically accurate in reporting that Dylan scaled the 70 foot structure, he actually only made it about 25 feet before losing interest and asking for cigarettes and a cellphone, representing the attention deficit disorder of his generation.

Dylan should have visited Baltimore, where being mental is normal behavior. He could have scaled one of Charm City’s fabulous sculptures without notice:

"Man/Woman" sculpture at Baltimore's Penn Station. Photo by tracktwentynine,

Dylan could have suckled at Woman’s very round and nipple-less teat.
But Man provided no chubby for him to gain a foothold.

Brooks Robinson Statue (Brooks Robinson Statue in Baltimore Facebook Page)

Dylan could have cuddled in the arms of former Baltimore Orioles third baseman and fan favorite Brooks Robinson, resting his head on Brooks’ golden glove.

The father of our country was a shower AND a grower.

Dylan would have had quite a lovely perch had he scaled Baltimore’s Washington Monument. When viewed at the proper angle and distance Washington appears to sport a horse-sized erection that would put Long Dong Silver to shame.

Edgar Allan Poe Statue at the University of Baltimore School of Law. Photo by Scott Wallace Brown

Dylan would have been in for a bumpy ride had he nestled in the lap of the Edgar Allan Poe Statue. Edgar stuffed a tube sock down his wool pants before posing for sculptor Sir Moses Jacob Ezekiel. The Zucotti Park sculpture is known as the “red thing” in New York, Poe’s “moose knuckle” will now be known as the “bronze thing” in Baltimore. Cue the Tone Loc:

Related Links:

ABC News: Occupy Wall Street Protester Scales 70-foot Statue
New York Times: Man Climbs ‘Joie de Vivre’ Sculpture in Zuccotti Park

This entry was posted in 2010s, Baltimore Babylon, Baltimorons, Edgar Allan Poe, Orioles, Pranks, Roadside Attractions and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Confused Orioles Fan Climbs Sculpture at #Occupy Wall Street

  1. DailyBreather says:

    Best laugh of the day.

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