Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens’ Super Bowl Parade
The Onion (3/1/2013)
BALTIMORE—After taking under a month to sort through the carnage from theRavens’ Super Bowl victory parade, Baltimore police issued an encouraging report Friday, revealing that the festivities had resulted in just 20,278 fatalities.
According to the report, the corpses littering the area surrounding Commerce Street included less than 5,410 residents killed by gunshot wounds, a mere 9,553 stabbing victims, and, in a particularly welcome surprise, a near-negligible 2,892 casualties who were violently beaten to death.
“This is a great day for Baltimore,” said police commissioner Anthony Batts, who noted that several hundred officers had worked nonstop since February 5th investigating the site of the massacre. “We planned for between 40,000 and 50,000 bodies, so to end up with a fraction of that—well, it’s really a testament to the willpower and restraint of our residents.”
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