Deranged protestor Dylan Spoelstra, a 20-something from Canada, donned his Baltimore Orioles #32 Matt Wieters jersey, joined the New York City Occupy Wall Street protest, peed on a wall (allegedly), received a summons (allegedly), then climbed a sculpture in Zucotti Park in protest. A giant moon bounce was placed under him, and after some hugging, friendly head-butting and other drama Dylan was carted off to the loony bin at Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
Orioles catcher Matt Wieters. He’s cool because he has a cat. And he wears a badass outfit!
Visualize this sculpture as a man reaching his arms out to the sky. Dylan basically made it to this man’s crotch.
In better economic times this would have run as a wacky “goof on the roof” news story.
“I’ve been with you such a long time
You’re my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you… You’re my best friend”
Although the news was technically accurate in reporting that Dylan scaled the 70 foot structure, he actually only made it about 25 feet before losing interest and asking for cigarettes and a cellphone, representing the attention deficit disorder of his generation.
Dylan should have visited Baltimore, where being mental is normal behavior. He could have scaled one of Charm City’s fabulous sculptures without notice:
Dylan could have suckled at Woman’s very round and nipple-less teat.
But Man provided no chubby for him to gain a foothold.
Dylan could have cuddled in the arms of former Baltimore Orioles third baseman and fan favorite Brooks Robinson, resting his head on Brooks’ golden glove.
Dylan would have had quite a lovely perch had he scaled Baltimore’s Washington Monument. When viewed at the proper angle and distance Washington appears to sport a horse-sized erection that would put Long Dong Silver to shame.
Dylan would have been in for a bumpy ride had he nestled in the lap of the Edgar Allan Poe Statue. Edgar stuffed a tube sock down his wool pants before posing for sculptor Sir Moses Jacob Ezekiel. The Zucotti Park sculpture is known as the “red thing” in New York, Poe’s “moose knuckle” will now be known as the “bronze thing” in Baltimore. Cue the Tone Loc: